


Sacrifice - But is it Really?

by SaphiraTARDIS11



Series: Sacrifice [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cuddling & Snuggling, Derek is a Good Alpha, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Scenting, Scott is a Bad Friend, Stiles Stilinski Wants The Bite, Touch-Starved Derek, Touch-Starved Stiles Stilinski, Werewolf Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-10-19 02:54:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaphiraTARDIS11/pseuds/SaphiraTARDIS11
Summary: Everyone had left Derek.Scott wasn't pack anymore, hadn't been since the kanima and his betrayal. Jackson had left for London, pack bonds severing as soon as a new pack had been found. Erica and Boyd had left too, went to the San Francisco pack, barely even saying goodbye. Isaac had drifted away slowly, merging himself with Scott until one day Derek had awoke to the pain and emptiness of a solitary alpha.(I'M BACK EVERYBODY!!!!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Hold On To](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3880834) by [Green](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/Green). 



> So first fic on here. I've written a lot but haven't posted anything really or finished much. This will have more chapters, I swear, I am currently working on chapter two, but this was the work of months of uninspired sporadic extending and editing, so don't hold you're breath. Warning, I WON'T post regularly, and I WON'T make promises as to when I will because I will inevitably break them. I apologize for that, I'm trying, but do or do not and all that jazz. Enjoy!
> 
> Oh, and I would love feedback please! Good and bad, both are appreciated. Thanks!

Everyone had left Derek.    
   
Scott wasn't pack anymore, hadn't been since the kanima and his betrayal. Jackson had left for London, pack bonds severing as soon as a new pack had been found. Erica and Boyd had left too, went to the San Francisco pack, barely even saying goodbye. Isaac had drifted away slowly, merging himself with Scott until one day Derek had awoke to the pain and emptiness of a solitary alpha.    
   
He wouldn't admit it, but he had cried for the first time since he felt Laura’s pack bond snap. He cried, gross and wet and hot and so very painful. He cried and cried until he felt numb, nothing left to fill the void of the emotions he had wept. A week and he would be an omega, a week until he would lose himself, become feral. He wondered if maybe he should kill himself, keep the collateral damage to a minimum, avoid the hunters involving Scott's pack. Avoid involving Stiles, who he hadn't seen since the night with the kanima.    
   
He wondered (often, far too often), if Stiles had been a part of his pack, if he would have left too. He probably would have followed Scott, but maybe he would have taken pity on Derek. The thought only makes him feel sick. The idea that Stiles would only stick around out of pity. Pack is supposed to be family, not a reluctant alliance. Derek knew he was horrible, no better an alpha than Peter. But he had hoped he'd get a second chance. The chance to do better, once he'd grown into the power that had taken over his actions for so long. He wondered, not for the first time, if Stiles would be okay without him. Scott isn't mature enough yet, doesn't understand how to keep an eye on his pack members. The memory of terror and chlorine and a lean body against his, keeping him alive, filled his senses. Two hours, before Scott had come to the rescue.    
   
Scott hadn't even seemed to notice the bruises on Stiles face from Gerard, hadn't bothered to check up on his friend later like he had. Derek wasn't nice and he wasn't friendly, but he had saved Stiles life more than once and Stiles had saved him. He would make a great beta and an even better alpha. He knew loyalty and trust and he understood people in ways Derek has never been able to. He was strategic too, and so so smart. He soaked up information like a sponge and was observant. He'd make a better alpha than Scott would at the moment.    
   
That lead to him wondering about how things would have been different if Stiles had been bitten, not Scott. Would Stiles have accepted Derek? Or would he have been just as distrustful? Would their relationship be different if Stiles was a werewolf?    
   
Thoughts like these kept him company for five days as he sat in his decrepit house, the smell of ash and death and hunter unavoidable. He had a knife coated in wolfsbane at the ready. He didn't want to lose himself. He would die before that happened. But he didn't want to die in a derelict train depot. He wanted to die in the same woods every member of his family so far had died. Even Peter had died in this house, throat cut open on Derek's claws. He had made so many mistakes. He couldn't help but think that his family would be ashamed of him. He knew Laura had been, when she found out about Kate. And as much as Derek had hated it, he knew he deserved it. He deserved to be ashamed of, to die in the house that _he_ burnt down surrounded by the ashes of the family that he killed, dying from loneliness in the most literal sense. Derek worried a few times that Stiles would be the one to find his body. He didn't want to do that to the kid. He had enough nightmares as it was. He didn't need more because of Derek.    
   
He deigned to text the Sheriff about a body at the Hale house before he killed himself. It wasn’t ideal but it was the best he could do under the circumstances. He hoped Stiles wouldn’t think he was a coward. That he was killing himself because he just couldn't take it and not because he was trying to save lives. He didn't understand why he cared so much about what Stiles thought. He only knew he didn't want anything to happen to the boy because of him.    
 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

It was the day before he planned on plunging the wolfsbane knife into his heart that he heard the distinctive rumble of a familiar blue jeep approaching. He briefly considered running, but he couldn't make such a cowardly move and he couldn't deny he wanted to say goodbye to Stiles more than anyone else. So he stayed put and waited, listening as the Jeep parked and shut off, the driver door opening and shutting. He winced as he heard the limp in Stiles steps.    
   
“Derek? Dude, ya here? I need to talk to you about something. I just got off father ordered bed rest and Scott said he hadn't seen you since everything went down.” Stiles called out as he walked through the house. Derek didn't realize how much he had needed to hear Stiles voice until he had. As annoying as it had been when he first met him, it sounded like relief and redemption now. As he waited for Stiles to find him, he wondered if the boy could ever forgive him. He'd probably be the most likely to. Stiles understood people so well, understood Derek so well. He heard a gasp when Stiles walked into the room and looked up to see the boy looking at him in shock and fear. The boy rushed over to him, kneeling down on the floor and hovering his hands over Derek's body as if unsure if he was allowed to touch. He wondered how he must look to inspire that kind of reaction out of him.    
   
“Oh my god what's wrong, what happened, where's Isaac? Why are you sitting alone in your shell of a house looking like death?” Derek could smell the fear and concern rolling off Stiles in waves. Stiles must really have been on bed rest if he didn't know that Isaac had left him.   
   
“Calm down, Stiles.” He said, more softly than he had ever dared before. Stiles didn't like his obvious divestment though, and flailed before saying,   
   
“I will once you tell me what the hell is wrong with you and how to fix it!” Derek watched as Stiles wandering eyes caught on the wolfsbane blade. The boy snatched it up and sniffed the blade, eyes widening when he smelled wolfsbane. “Were you poisoned?” Derek had to give the kid points for keeping his cool more than he had in other situations.   
   
“No, I haven't been poisoned.” Stiles started to flail before seemingly realizing he had a knife in his hand, which he promptly dropped before returning his attention to Derek. For once, Stiles didn't talk. He just sat there, glaring at Derek with as much menace as he could muster with the amount of panicking he was doing at the moment. Derek cracked, oddly enough.   
   
“I'm turning omega. The knife is for when I start to lose control.” Stiles looked confused.   
   
“How can you be turning omega? You have Isaac don't you? And what about Jackson?” Derek shook his head, resting it on his knees to avoid looking at Stiles.   
   
“Jackson left the pack as soon as he found a new one in London. Isaac left on Friday.”    
   
“What about Scott?” Stiles voice was tentative, like he knew he shouldn't broach the subject but did anyways because someone had to.   
   
“He's been gone since Gerard.” Stiles still smelled of panic but now sadness was there too. It wasn't pitying sadness. It was the sadness that would morph into grief, the kind that was more fear than pain.   
   
“And a human pack member isn't enough.” Derek shook his head before the question caught up to him. It wasn't enough, but Derek hadn't thought Stiles was still pack. He thought he'd left with Scott.   
   
“You don't have a pack anymore.” It wasn't a question. It was dawning understanding and disbelief. “Derek, why haven't you said anything?” Derek shrugged. “Hey, dude, look at me.” Derek looked up into Stiles whiskey eyes and saw the sadness and panic in his scent mirrored there. “Why?” It was more than a simple question. It was a need to understand that Derek knew all too well.   
   
“Everyone had their reasons to leave. I couldn't go back to you guys to beg for a pack. You might have joined out of pity, but that-“ he choked on his words, his throat feeling horribly tight at the thought. But Stiles looked like he understood, so he knew he didn't have to say it. He cleared his throat and took Stiles temporary silence to change the subject.   
   
“You said you needed to talk to me about something?” Stiles gave him a withering look for changing the subject but didn't protest.   
   
“Yeah, I did. Bed rest gave me a lot of time to think about things. Namely, some things Peter had said and my mortality, which I have recently become very aware of.” Stiles paused, looking at Derek with this urgency like he needed him to understand something really really important. “Peter offered me the bite, the night he had me find you. I said I didn't want it.” He paused again, whiskey eyes searching green ones for understanding. “He said I lied.” Stiles held eye contact for a few more seconds before looking away. “He was right. I was lying. But it wasn't matter of whether or not I wanted the bite, it was whether or not I wanted it then. And that wasn't the right time. Too much was happening and I didn't want to be a werewolf if I was just going to lose my alpha. And I also really didn't want Peter as my alpha. Then when you became alpha I thought about approaching you about it, but then you became kinda power hungry, and I didn't wanna get caught up in the middle of that, especially with everything that had been going on with Scott." He paused for a second, then continued with venom in his voice. "Just for the record I had no idea about his plan with Gerard. If I had, I wouldn’t have let him use you, demean you, like that.” Stiles eyes burned with righteous anger at his best friend’s actions, and it made Derek's heart clench.     
   
“Anyways, after Gerard kidnapped me, it became apparent that my humanness was a liability, not only to you guys, but to myself as well.” Stiles took a deep breath, then looked at Derek, urgency now mixed with this look, like maybe everything could be okay if Derek just understood. “I came here to ask for the bite. Which, in my opinion, is pretty damn good timing considering you need a pack and I'll need an alpha.” Derek took a second to let Stiles words sink in, and then he understood the look in Stiles eyes. Hope bloomed in his chest, but he was still reluctant. He looked at Stiles, really looked at him. He was wearing that damn red hoody he always had, dark jeans that looked to be new. His hair was longer than the last time he'd seen it, and the bruises that had been on his face were a barely noticeable yellow. When he met Stiles eyes, he knew he must look desperate, but he didn't care.   
   
“Stiles – I need to know that – I – I can't just –“ by some miracle Stiles seemed to understand what he was asking for, because he took Derek's hand and placed it over his heart, a silent plea to listen to his heart beat for truth, before he said,   
   
“I want the bite. I want you to be my alpha. I am not doing this out of pity. I came here to ask you to give me the bite and be my alpha. I've thought this through.” Stiles spoke slowly, deliberately, and he paused after each sentence, allowing Derek to fully take in what he was hearing. Stiles wasn't lying.   
   
Derek felt overwhelmed and he didn't know how to do anything other than nod. Stiles nodded too and said   
   
“Okay, good. Do you think you can make it to the Jeep? I'd rather not become a werewolf standing on the ashes of… of your house.” Stile gave him an apologetic look. Derek nodded, apparently all he could do, and Stiles stood, helping him to his feet. “Okay, c’mon. My house good?” Derek nodded even as he tried not to fall. He was weaker than he had expected.   
   
“Could I…? I mean, when the bite takes…” Derek wasn't sure how to phrase it, but Stiles was surprisingly patient, and gave him the time to think about his words.    
   
They were a few steps from the jeep when Derek decided on his phrasing. “After the bite takes, it's normal for the alpha to stay in close quarters with the new beta. It helps make pack bonds stronger. Would I be able to stay after I bite you?” Stiles smiled, and nodded.   
   
“Yeah you can crash there.” Stiles said, as he helped Derek into the passenger seat of his Jeep, buckling him in when Derek just slumps, trying to lose the dizziness. He nods when Stiles gets in, and, after he pulls onto the main road, says    
   
“Thank you.”   
 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they pull up at the Stilinski residence, Derek is relieved to see that the Sheriff isn't home. He didn't think he'd be able to scale the house to the window, let alone be quiet about it. Stiles got out first, then came around to his side to help him out. Derek stumbled, but managed to stay upright. Stiles took most of his weight, and had Derek dig his keys out of his (front) pocket so he could unlock the door. The stairs were another problem, but they made it unharmed. Derek was out of breath by the time he sat down on Stiles bed, unsure how to continue with this, as different as it was to his previous turnings. Stiles seemed to know though, again.   
   
“Right hip right? Peter had wanted to bite my wrist though.” Derek shook his head and, still breathless for all the wrong reasons, said   
   
“Right hip. It takes better there.” Stiles nodded and stripped his hoody and shirts off in one go, offering his side as soon as he was rid of them. Derek caught his eyes and said   
   
“Do you think you'll scream?” Stiles shook his head.   
   
“I'm more of a grunt or whimper type.” Derek shook his head in reluctant amusement as he unbuckled his belt, pulling it through the loops. Stiles gave him a questioning gaze, but he just folded the leather and pulled it taught.    
   
“Bite.” Derek ordered, and Stiles did. He looked away, baring his neck in submission. He wondered if it was a conscience thing or if he was unaware of the position he was putting himself in. He didn't waste much time wondering though, as he wolfed out, taking the time to lick where he intended to bite, preparing the soon to be wound. It felt intimate in a way that the other bites hadn't, and he couldn't help but think it had something to do with the fact it was Stiles. The boy shivered under the administrations and Derek used that distraction to bring his hand up to his back, intending on taking away as much of the pain as he could bare. But no sooner had his hand touched the pale skin than Stiles shook his head.   
   
“Don't take the pain away” he said. It was muffled by the belt, but that didn't make it any less sure. Derek nodded but didn't remove his hand.   
   
“Okay.” He didn't give Stiles any warning beyond a small pause while his jaw moved over the skin before his teeth were sinking in and he tasted blood. Stiles hadn't been lying about not screaming, and he made a sound so reminiscent of a growl that Derek shivered. He pulled away a second later, and took stock of the kid. He was biting hard on the belt and his nails were digging into his shoulder where his hand rested to get out of the way for the bite, but other than that he looked fine. After a few deep breaths Stiles unclenched his jaw and the belt fell from his mouth. He looked at Derek and nodded. It was then that the alpha (yes, definitely the alpha) felt a rush of power, almost stronger than he had felt when he had first risen to the position. His eyes glowed and he could feel them shift from the sickly orange they had been back to red. Stiles' eyes were wide, his injury (not for long) forgotten as he looked at his alpha.   
   
“Does that mean the bite will take?” Stiles asked, eyes hopeful. Derek nodded, feeling relief so palpable he could almost taste it on his tongue. No, not relief, Stiles' blood. Stiles looked down at the bite, inspecting it for the first time. He poked at it, and another growl like sound came from his mouth. “I should probably bandage this. I know it'll heal but I really don't want to get blood everywhere until then.” He started to move away, but Derek grabbed his arm gently, pulling him back. He rested a gentle hand on Stiles uninjured hip and touched his nose to the center of the bite, breathing in the smell of _blood Stiles Stiles blood_ and the subtle changes that would become more obvious as the bite took. Indulging his instincts to take care of his new beta, he moved down to where blood was slowly trailing over pale skin to dark jeans. He let his tongue come out and lap at the trail, cleaning the wound that wouldn't be there in the morning. He heard Stiles gasp and shiver, but the hands that came to rest on Derek's shoulder and hair said it wasn't in fear. He continued to lap at the bite, until his wolf was satisfied that his beta was taken care of. He let his head rest on Stiles stomach for a moment, inspecting the bite. He probably shouldn't feel this grateful, Stiles had wanted this for awhile, but he couldn't help the warm feelings that it gave him. He had a pack again, even if it was only one beta, and it wasn't built on coercion or fear. It was something that both sides wanted. He had wanted Stiles as a beta before everyone had left. Derek had always seen the potential the boy had had, but he never acted on it, thinking that Stiles wouldn't want it. But he can't find it in himself to regret never asking, because as odd as it was, he felt perfectly content here, head pillowed on his beautiful betas stomach, looking at the bite that saved him.    
   
With a few more licks to get the blood that had escaped, Derek moved Stiles to make room to stand up. He felt much better now, and was able to walk on his own towards the bathroom, new beta in tow. He sat Stiles down on the edge of the bathtub, then found the extensive first aid kit that the Stilinski’s had under the sink. It wasn't odd really, how extensive it was, considering Mrs. McCalls job and Stiles’ penchant for flailing. Not to mention his constant battle with gravity.   
   
Derek pulled out a large, self-sticking gauze pad and freed it from its packaging. He didn't bother with any peroxide or antibacterial ointments since it would be healed by tomorrow morning. He placed the gaze pad over the bite carefully, making sure the tape didn't catch on the wound.   
   
“I could do that myself you know.” Stiles said quietly. Derek just nodded. When Stiles moved to help though, Derek gently batted his hands away and said   
   
“Just let me take care of you.” In a slightly pleading voice. He had ignored those more gentle and tactile instincts with his other betas, and he thinks that maybe that was one of the many, many issues he had had with them. Derek hoped giving in to those instincts would help him be better about this.   
   
Stiles just nodded, and dropped his hands back into his lap. When Derek was sure that the bandage was good, he let his hands move to the boy's knees and squeeze gently.   
   
“How do you feel?” Stiles purses his lips as he did what Derek could only imagine was a mental self check. The boy met his eyes when he was done.   
   
“Good. Like things are starting to heal just a little.” Derek hummed, taking his own self check. The first thing he noticed was he was starving and really thirsty. Second, he noticed he needed a shower, desperately. Third, he noticed he was half hard in his filthy jeans but he really wasn't sure why and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.    
   
“Hey, how about you get some food for us while I take a shower. I'm starving and you're gonna need all the energy you can get once the healing really kicks in.” Stiles nods then his hands moved over Derek's, which were still on Stiles knees.   
   
“Take out or left overs? I've got some chicken parm in the fridge I had made earlier?” Derek hadn't had chicken parmesan since he was in New York and it sounded really good about now.    
   
“Chicken parm. Will there be enough though?” He was starving and wolves had huge appetites, and Stiles might be just as hungry soon. Stiles nodded though.   
   
“Yeah, I was expecting to come home with a bite remember? I made a lot.” Derek nodded and stood up, grasping Stiles' hands to pull him up. He didn't need to be helped up, not anymore, but it gave Derek an opportunity to wrap his arms around Stiles waist and bury his nose in his throat. Stiles seems taken aback but doesn't take long to bring his own arms up and around, one arm along his shoulders, the other coming to rest in his hair. Derek sometimes forgets how tall Stiles is, nearly as tall as him, but it's hard to ignore when he feels how easily they fit together like this. He takes a deep breath, scenting his new beta. Below the body wash and the deodorant and the body spray was the chemical tinge of, what he assumed, was Adderall along with what he knew was Stiles, cinnamon and roses. Now though, there was also the hint of something wilder, like a forest after rain, which Derek knew was synonymous with werewolves. But there was also this unique smell, petrichor if memory served. The smell of dust after rain. He had never smelled it on Stiles before, so he figured it had to do with the bite.   
   
“You're going to want to change your body wash soon.” Stiles buried his head in Derek shoulder then replied   
   
“Why?”    
   
“Because you'll be able to smell them. It's not bad but it hinders you're sense of smell, covers your natural scent. I know a few natural brands that are wolf friendly.” Stiles hummed, seemingly content where he was.   
   
“I know for a fact Scott hasn't change any of his body products since he was changed.” Derek couldn't suppress a chuckle from that.   
   
“He's probably been smelling it but hasn't figured it out yet.” He grinned against Stiles neck when the boy laughed, burying his own smile.   
   
“Oh god, that would so be him. Don't get me wrong, I love Scott, he's my brother, but he's oblivious. He's just a confused puppy really.” Derek nodded, still grinning against Stiles' neck. It was strange, going from thinking he was going to kill himself tomorrow to grinning in Stiles' neck like he's the happiest he could be. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but for once decided to let it go for now and just enjoy it.    
   
He felt Stiles' nose crinkle on his neck before Stiles was pulling away.    
   
“Dude, either you suddenly really stink or my sense of smell is starting to kick in cause dude, you reek. Get in the shower while I go heat up the chicken.” Derek chuckled and nodded, hand slipping down to squeeze Stiles’ for a moment before the boy was leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.    
   
Derek took a minute to listen to Stiles’ heartbeat as he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen before turning the water on hot. He divested himself of his clothes quickly, finding the lingering smell of ash and death unsettling, and stepped under the spray before it had much of a chance to heat up. The cool water helped the situation in his pants that hugging Stiles really hadn't improved, and dialed back the senses that were a bit crazy after the adrenaline rush of power that always came from getting a new beta. He scoped out the soaps and surprisingly found a wolf friendly one, which he assumed was the Sheriff'[s. Normally he wouldn't dare touch the Sheriff's stuff, preferring to suffer the uneasiness that comes from chemically dulled senses, but he had a new beta that needed to memorize his scent and vice versa. But that didn't mean he would be greedy. He used as little as possible while still managing to clean himself of a week's worth of grime.    
   
By the time he stepped out of the shower, the smell of chicken parmesan had seeped through the door and a pile of clothes was on the counter. When he picked them up, he noticed they were too big to be the teens, but smelled like him with faint tones of the Sheriff, like they were his first but Stiles borrowed them at some point and never returned them. He dressed, preening at the smell of his new beta on him, and made his way to the kitchen. He didn't bother to do more to his hair than run a hand through it, so his bangs were curling against his forehead when he sat down at the table with the heavenly smelling food on it.   
   
“If the food tastes half as good as it smells, I think I might orgasm” Derek says nonchalantly, taking immense joy in the splutter then subsequent hysterical laughter of the new wolf.   
   
“If that's the case, you're about to have the best orgasm of your life because it tastes twice as amazing as it smells” Stiles says, still chuckling. Derek smiles happily, reaching out to take the serving spoon, but Stiles has other ideas. He slaps the alpha's hand away and says “No, bad boy. I'm serving. My mom would roll over in her grave if I let someone else serve my mother's food while under my roof”. Derek nodded, understanding family traditions better than most would, and withdrew his hand. He'd deal with the dog comment later, get him when he least suspected it.    
   
Derek waited patiently as Stiles served the food, two chicken breasts each with the promise of more for seconds. He watched the boy, using all his senses to read him, wanting to understand his beta better. His heart rate, which was always slightly faster and more finicky than the average heartbeat, was strong and even, though still fast. His scent, growing more wolfish as the night wore on, had a tone of happiness to it, like the forest in his scent was a place of contentment and the roses a symbol of love (platonic or otherwise), not sadness or grief or sex. As for how he looked, Derek could see the wolf in his movements as he moved around the table. He didn't trip or flail once and his actions were tinted with the grace of a predator. The bite hadn't even healed and he was already even more beautiful for it. His eyes seemed to have a raptorial glint, his teeth seemed dangerous, his hands moved with a previously unknown certainty, all of these insignificant changes made him into something to be feared even as he was admired.   
   
When Stiles finally sat down, indicating he was allowed to eat, Derek was half hard again and doing his best not to jump his new beta. He hadn't ever felt like this with his other betas. Hell, he hadn't felt arousal for anyone since Kate and he hadn't wanted to. But this – It wasn't unwelcome. Derek would be lying if he said he didn't trust Stiles, and he knew that if this went somewhere, it wouldn't be used against him. At least, not by Stiles.   
   
As Derek picked up his utensils, he prayed the boy couldn't pick up the smell of arousal yet. That would make for a very awkward night.   
   
The alpha’s cheeks blushed pink when he moaned from his first bite of the amazing food. He hadn't had food this good since before the fire. Derek couldn't help but wonder if it was because he actually hadn't had good food in seven years, or if it was because he hadn't let himself enjoy it.   
   
Stiles chuckled, smiling a big, joyful smile. “I think your happiness is contagious.”    
   
“It is. The pack bond. It's stronger since there are only two of us, so we're more susceptible to each other's emotions. Not to mention I'm more open to you emotionally than I was any of my other betas.” Derek smiled, liking sharing with someone he trusted.   
   
Stiles looked curious. "Why are you more open to me emotionally?" Derek had to fight hard not to blush in embarrassment. He wasn't truly embarrassed by it, but emotions have been difficult since Kate and any potential weakness made him uncomfortable.    
   
"I trust you. I've known you for a year now, and even though we've certainly had our rough patches, you've always been there for me. Also, you're overall a good person. I don't have to worry about deliberate betrayal from you, because you're just not that type of person." Derek had maintained eye contact throughout the whole speech, and, even though it seemed a bit weird, he was proud of himself for it.   
   
Stiles, however, was blushing like mad. Derek would be worried if his scent didn't show how pleased he was by this new revelation. He still smelled happy, but the forest seemed more joyful and the roses more a symbol of appreciation. It made Derek's lips twitch into a smile.   
   
"I trust you too." The words were softly spoken, but strong and truthful. They made Derek's heart skip a beat and then start back double time.   
   
They ate for a bit after that, but Stiles didn't let the silence remain for long.   
   
With a considering look on his face as he chewed his food, for once not wolfing it down, Stiles returned to a different part of Derek's earlier explanation. “So, if I have a nightmare and I wake up terrified, you'd feel it?” He sounded concerned.   
   
Derek took a moment to think, trying to remember if he and Laura ever had that problem. “It depends. If you're not in any actual danger, I might not feel it.” Stiles nodded.   
   
“I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. If so, I'll probably have to try some therapy. Some of these nightmares are bordering PTSD territory.” Derek looked at Stiles with a worried look.   
   
“If it's getting that bad, you should try therapy anyways, not just because I might get a little feedback from it.” Stiles agreed with a nod.    
   
“I know. I'm just hesitant to. I had trust issues before everything happened; exhibit A, blaming you for your sister’s murder.” Stiles stopped suddenly, a look of shame and sadness taking over his features. “God, I'm so sorry about that.” The shame intensified as he thought of something else. “And for digging your sister up. And for going into the woods to look for her body in the first place. Jesus I was such an insensitive asshole. Laura was a person, your sister, your only family and I just treated her like she was just a dead body. Granted I didn't know you then, but nobody is just a body, and I shouldn't have ever treated her like it.” Derek couldn't pretend like the mention of his sister didn't hurt and that the reminder of what Stiles and Scott did, didn't bring with it the sting of remembered betrayal, but..   
   
Setting down his cutlery, Derek placed a hand on top of Stiles’, and caught his gaze. “Stiles, I forgave you for that awhile ago.” He took a deep breath, trying to loosen the knot of emotion in his chest. “Even if you had never apologized, I know that this past year has changed you. I've seen how you've grown, how you've matured. I knew, probably before you did, that you regretted what you did. I know that you wouldn't make that mistake now, that you wouldn't treat someone like just a body now.” Derek squeezed Stiles hand in reassurance and gave a small smile. “Also, I think the amount of times you've saved my life has made up for it.” Stiles gave a small laugh and turned his hand up to clutch at Derek's in return. His honey brown eyes shown with gratitude.    
   
“You've saved my life your fair share of times too.” Derek nodded.    
   
“I have. Despite what it might have seemed like I never disliked you. And even if I had, I'm not in the habit of letting innocent people die." Stiles looked down at that, looking uncomfortable.    
   
In a small voice, Stiles said "I'm not that innocent." Derek wasn't sure what Stiles thought he was guilty of, but he didn't want to fall into that pit tonight. So he said, in a playful voice,   
   
"Innocent until proven guilty. Your father's the Sherriff Stiles, I expected more from you." The alpha couldn't keep the playful smirk off his face as he said the words. They seemed to have their intended effect though.   
   
Stiles lips quirked up at the corners and he squeezed Derek's hand in what he could only assume was gratitude before returning to his food. The alpha smiled in triumph before returning to his meal as well. 


	2. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a preview for chapter two, sorry. Read the notes, important stuff there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry that this is just a preview, my grandfather is in the hospital and isn't doing well so you can imagine. So I need more feedback from you and I also want to be able to talk to you without getting your hopes up with a false update, about everything from my progress to a cute sterek picture on deviantart, so I set up a twitter to do just that. I know almost everyone on here uses tumblr, but tumblr ain't my jam, so twitter it is. Here's the link: https://twitter.com/STardis11
> 
> I also feel it will help me get more detailed feedback from you, which helps with my writers block. Any and all suggestions that get used will be fully credited to you in the end notes, like credits. 
> 
> Sorry if this sounds tired, I'm exhausted and just need to sleep for a day. Enjoy and I hope to hear from you soon.

___________________\0/_________________ 

 

After dinner it was decided that they should sleep. Both alpha and beta were exhausted after their long, emotional roller coaster of a day, and nothing sounded better than a long sleep in a warm bed. When they got upstairs, Derek offered to sleep on the floor, but Stiles waved him off before he could finish his sentence. 

 

"I will not have my alpha, who has been living in abandoned houses and train depots for the last year, sleep on the floor when there is a perfectly good bed, two feet to the right might I add, that I don't mind sharing. Sure it's a little small but cuddling builds character, and keeps the monsters in the closet from invading my dreams." Derek just smirked, removed his shirt (definitely not missing the whiff of arousal when his beta caught sight of his chest), climbed into the bed and under the warm, soft covers, and opened his arms with a raised eye brow. 

 

After about a minute of Stiles just standing there stupefied, Derek sighed dramatically and said, "Are you coming to bed?" Stiles startled, and then removed his own shirt hastily before climbing into bed in a way that would have included some hard core flailing before the bite, but was now just graceful and kinda sexy. The beta didn't hesitate to fall into Derek's arms, hiding his blush in the alpha's shoulder. Derek just smiled fondly and held the boy tightly, placing a small kiss on his shoulder before dropping off to sleep. 

 

____________________/0/____________________ 

 

Stiles lay awake for about an hour after his alpha (yeah, that would take some getting used to) fell asleep, thinking over the days events. He couldn't get his mind off of how Derek had looked when he walked (okay, limped, whatever) into that dingy room covered in dirt and the ashes of a beloved home and beloved people. His hair had been greasy, with dirt and ash clinging to the tangles. His skin had been pale, shiny with sweat and grease and it had reminded him too much of nasty bullet wounds and threats of death. His clothes had been just as dirty, black looking like a nasty grey and blue jeans looking like khakis from how brown they were. But what haunted Stiles, what kept him awake long after his companion had slipped off into a dreamless sleep, was the alpha's eyes. That beautiful _blue green brown grey_ that to this day remained nameless, those eyes that, while hard and angry always hinted at something else, at something _more_. Those eyes that always had Stiles coming back. Those eyes had looked so – dull, so _lifeless._ When Stiles had said Derek looked like death, it wasn't just the pale skin and gaunt face. It was his eyes. Everything in them said _death_ more than anything else could. It had broke something in him to see this man, this alpha, his alpha, lying in bed his holding him in his arms, who had survived so much, brought so low that he had given up any and all hope of living. This alpha, who was betrayed by the one he loved, who has lost his family and his home due to that betrayal, who lost his sister six years later, who was forced to kill his last remaining relative. Who, even after all of that tried to make a pack, tried to keep on going, keep on _living_ , only to lose what he had fought so hard for because of the fickle attitudes of teenagers.  

It had broken him to see that wonderful, tragic man give up. 

 

Stiles gazed up at Derek. His vision had kicked in awhile ago, and looking at his alpha in the complete darkness was as easy as if it was brighter than a full moon night. His face was relaxed for the most part, but there was still a slight frown, a furrow in between his brows. Stiles squirmed a bit, trying to move up a little in his alpha's arms. His head was almost level with Derek's before the arms surrounding him tightened, the frown on Derek's face becoming more pronounced.  

 

Stiles smiled sadly, tears threatening his eyes. "Even in sleep, you're scared of being abandoned, aren't you Sourwolf?" He murmured. The beta freed his arms from where they were slightly squished between their bodies and brought them around the frowning wolf, resting a hand in silky black hair and circling an arm around broad shoulders that curved around him protectively. Placing a lingering kiss on the furrow of Derek's brow, he remembered the hug in the bathroom. It had caught him so off guard. Derek had never shown affection towards him, and the closest they had ever been physically had been through intimidation tactics. But thinking about it now, he realized how touch-starved Derek must be. He had only had his sister for six years, and after Kate... If Stiles had been used like that, he couldn't imagine wanting anyone near him. And with the guilt the wolf must be carrying (unnecessarily, he might add), he probably felt it wasn't right to seek comfort from his sister. She had lost her family just as much as he did after all.  And then after she died...  

 

Shaking his head gently, Stiles made a silent vow to do whatever it took to help Derek. He wanted to make him happy, and not just the happiness the alpha had felt today, that was more relief than anything, but true, lifelong happiness. Because by god did this man deserve it. He would do everything in his power to make sure this wonderful, broken man had a wonderful, complete life, even if it meant dedicating his own to it. He felt he could be happy with Derek by his side, whether as alpha or lover. But the new wolf wasn't sure he deserved it.  

 

The new beta thought back on dinner, on Derek calling him innocent. Stiles wasn't innocent though. Even if It was a kindness, even if It was a _mercy_ , he was still guilty. He knew what color his eyes will be, and it won't be gold. And even if his father absolved him of all guilt as many times as he had blamed him during his drunken ramblings, he didn't know the full story. He didn't know, doesn't know, the length Stiles will go to for the people he loves. He doesn't know the burdens that Stiles would carry, just so his loved ones wouldn't have to. He doesn't know the lengths Stiles _has_ gone to, for his loved ones. Doesn't know what Stiles did for his mother, what he's always done for his father. What he does for Scott now, and what he will do for Derek. Stiles Stilinski is guilty and no judge or jury will ever convince him otherwise. 

No judge or jury would consider not convicting him. 

 

And with that depressing thought, Stiles joined his alpha in sleep, his last thoughts being how he will explain his blue eyes to Derek. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: VAGUE MENTION OF MERCY KILLING


	3. NOT AN UPDATE IM SORRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOT AN UPDATE

NOT AN UPDATE. I'm sorry, this isn't an update. I wanted to inform you that my grandfather passed away this morning. It still isn't really real, and I wanted to let you know before the grief and depression set in. I'll be using this grief and my recent and past experiences to write quite a bit about Stiles' mom's death and illness, but since I will be in no condition to write anything happy or continue the story in a way I'll find satisfactory, I will go on a sort of hiatus. I apologize profusely. To make it up to you, and also to get some feedback, what I write will end up in a new 'story' which is in the series this story is now in. There will be some spoilers, so it's entirely up to you if you want read it, but it will be there if you do. 

Also, before you say not to worry about writing you guys anything, I will tell you that I find writing therapeutic. I can never get out what I really want to say through spoken words or even as myself, so using my experiences to write about Stiles' experience losing her mother? It helps.

So anyways I apologize again, but it's for the good of myself and the story that I don't attempt to continue until I feel emotionally well enough to. I will continue to answer comments so I won't disappear. Thank you for your understanding


	4. I'M BACK (WILL BE RENAMED)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles mom had frontotemperal dementia. It was diagnosed pretty early on, but there isn't a cure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK BITCHES!! 
> 
> So, it was really difficult coming back to this. And honestly, I'm not happy with the quality of my writing here. This will be edited, it's a very poor example of my writing abilities, and I'm not that happy with it, but I needed to come back to this, I couldn't leave it for so long.
> 
> So, some shit has happened recently that pushed me to come back to this now, even though I'm still not really in a place to work on this particular work. And I will probably write some other stuff, maybe try some one-shots, while I try to get back into this. So for those of you that want to know whats been going on with me, the next paragraph will be all about that. If you don't feel free to skip right to the sadly short chapter.
> 
> I'll start off with saying I'm 17, and would be in my senior year rn. Except I dropped out. I was in a private school from grade 7 to grade 10 (4 years), then it closed about 2 weeks before my junior year. So I started another private school, one that was significantly larger. I had no trouble with the academics (in fact I was disappointed in them), but socially I had a hard time. I made some friends (I'm actually hanging out with some tomorrow), but for the most part I didn't fit in at all. Then my Grandmother started to get worse and worse, and was finally hospitalized. Then, on October 27th, I got a call during last period. It was my mom telling me they were gonna pull the plug, and asking if I wanted to be there, and that she would totally understand if I didn't want to. I said I'd be there. I cried the entire wait for my bus and the entire bus ride. That was the last time I cried almost until the funeral. My Grandmother died on October 28th. Her funeral was on November 3rd. That's my mom's birthday. And it's also mine. My grades started to visibly suffer, and my anxiety got worse and worse. Then six months later my Grandfather is hospitalized. He died six months and two days after my Grandmother. I wasn't there that time. I still regret that decision. That's when I stopped writing this story. I started having panic attacks at school and refused to speak if I didn't have to, even to my parents. I failed junior year. Then that school closed as well. Before that I met a girl. She liked everything I did, and was just as socially awkward. We exchanged numbers and became fast friends. Then we became more. Then a few weeks ago, I came to the realization that I'm straight, not bi, and that the past four years of my life have been a lie. She's understandably hurt and pissed, yet she's adamant about us staying friends. I think it's a bad idea, and that she'll get hurt, but aside from ignoring her, there isn't much I can do to change her mind about it. Also, my mom has been getting on my ass about how I'm not responsible at all and that I'm doing a horrible job of being an adult, and even though she doesn't know really (she probably knows but I haven't officially told her) that I write fanfic, this is kind of a 'fuck you, I am responsible' as well as I've wanted to get back to this for ages and I finally think I could do it, but it's gonna be a process. So yeah, that's what's been happening, as a general overview that leaves out a lot of other shit that brought me to this point. I feel like this overview of everything is the Teen Wolf show, and my actual life is the fanfic that puts everything into perspective XD. Just as a btw, the only reason I've put any of this here is because I know I like knowing what's been happening with writers of my favorite fics. So yeah, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> GOD IM SO ASHAMED OF HOW SHORT THIS IS IM SO SORRY

Stiles mom had frontotemperal dementia. It was diagnosed pretty early on, but there isn't a cure. There are medications that can improve ‘quality of life’, make them less miserable toward the end, but there is always an end and, no matter what medicine they give them no matter how ‘comfortable’ they make them, it's always horrible and miserable. Not just for them, but for you, having to watch the person you love die, suffer. 

Claudia was a nurse at Beacon Hills Memorial, which is how Stiles grew up knowing Scott. The boys used to hang around the hospital when both Stiles’ were working, visiting the non-critical patients to try to cheer them up and playing with the kids in the children's ward. It was also how Claudia got diagnosed so quickly. 

Claudia was good friends with many of her fellow staff. She was cynical, like Stiles, but she was brighter than him. She would make sarcastic remarks and witty comments, but she would smile instead of smirk, laugh instead of chuckling maniacally. She always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and all of her patients (as well as most of the staff) loved her. 

The first symptoms of the dementia were the behavioral changes. She started getting meaner, more suspicious of everyone. People noticed. Having that many people around you that cared made it hard for it not to be. And it wasn't long before people were theorizing as to why. And it wasn't long until people started realizing it wasn't something at home or stress.

Stiles didn't figure out what that first trip to the hospital was until a few years later. Going to the hospital was a common occurrence for them, with Claudia’s job as a nurse. But this time she wasn't in her scrubs. He remembered having asked her why she wasn't wearing them.

“Mommy, why aren't you wearing your sheets?” He had asked, tiny, eight years old voice innocent and full of curiosity, ignorant to his mother's nervous mood.

She had smiled tightly, and squeezed the little hand she was holding. “Because we are just visiting today sweetie.” 

Stiles had looked at his mom funny for that. They never visited, unless it was to get Scott, and Scott was at home. “Why are we visiting? Is there a special friend?” 

Stiles had called the critical patients special friends, because she would always spend more time in their room than anyone else's. The only reason, in Stiles young mind, to visit the hospital would be to visit one of his mom's special friends.

Claudia's smile vanished, a sad, scared look replacing it. She stopped a few feet away from the front desk and bent down, taking both of Stiles' tiny hands into her own. He looked at her with the same curiosity he's always had, that natural inquisitiveness that has gotten him into trouble time and time again. She smiled, a small, sad smile, the corners of her lips turned down as she tried to hold back tears. 

"Yes sweetie, I'm going to visit a special friend." She reached up and brushed his wild, boy band hair out of his eyes with such love and tenderness, even Stiles, a naïve 8 years old, could feel it. He smiled, his front left tooth missing, making it a very endearing sight. 

"Don't worry Mommy. They aren't gonna leave without getting better." Stiles knew that some of the special patients would leave without getting better first, and it always made Mommy really sad. 

Claudia took a deep breath, trying not to cry. Then she hugged Stiles tight.

"Stay here with Charlotte, okay honnie? I'll be back soon." She let Stiles go, and stood up quickly, taking Stiles hand into her own and leading him to the front desk. Stiles went around and smiled at Charlotte. She smiled back, his missing tooth bringing it out of her. 

As Claudia walked back to see the 'special friend', Stiles remembered thinking 'I hope Mommies friend gets better. Mommy being sad makes me sad.' 

That was the last time Claudia looked at him with such love and tenderness.


End file.
